A Letter That Says Goodbye

USC

2005-05-18T01:00:50Z

USC just accepted me for the fall
instead of spring

im SO EXCITED

FIGHT ON!

i hope this song will guide you home

2005-05-10T06:19:21Z

my ankle effing kills
i twisted it today in the ocean with nina
right after i landed on it i ate SHIT into the ocean

uniform and all.....

i still feel sick
fuck my bad immune system

friday night was crazy
passing out on a kitchen sink
and its allllll on camera. pretty fucking sweet

saturday night at presents was awesome
AR and Tina looked GORGEOUS
i cant believe that im going to be doing that in 2 weeks
craaazy

prom is coming up
not so stoked about that one
still need a date
cause yea
im a loser like that you know

went up to LA on sunday
got to see the Fam. i LOVE my family to death
my cousin is awesome, and kicks ass in tennis. honestly. she is SO good its crazy
mom flipped out in the car as usual
cause i have no idea what im doing with my life

and apparently i take everything for granted.

so OVERALL
im pretty shitty
things just dont work out right now for me
and my dad can suck a fat one
-the end-

goodnight

the scars remind us....

2005-05-03T06:43:39Z

i feel shitty
being sick sucks
and i didnt do any hw
agian
what an effing shock

fuck it
im so over school

i have new pics up
on myspace
whee... ish

im coughing my lungs out right now
godamn
im going to bed
night

Attention Attenion, can i have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room

2005-04-30T19:28:41Z

so last night
was interesting

the first part of the night:
me, nina, felicia and lillian
driving around downtown waiting for john and his friends to come we see
BIG JEFF
with alan and others in his car [we have matching cars btw]
and they are going to the padres game (which ended up being sold out)
and THEN we see them in the parking garage, and keep driving past them
whereupon alan gets outta the car, and jumps onto mine
[massive high pitched screaming followed of course]

so we go to hooters, and wait for john and brad and, i forget the other guys name
and we see big jeff and alan and friends walk in
and they grab the table next to us
and now we have entertainment

and yeah, john and them come,
we eat
and felicia gets a rose from a REALLY REALLY REALLY creepy small man
with tattoos everywhere
who scares us
and then

me, nina, and lillian go to Sternys
whereupon sterny STEALS my car
aka like jumps in it and drives away
and THEN he parks it up on the curb (which was not so cool cause he almost killed some bushes)
and so then, we leave bc thomas is waiting in la jolla for us SO

we drop chu off
and we meet thomas and zoeys
where we stay for a total of about 15 mins, then we leave, and drive around PB following thomas

and THEN, okay heres the good party
two RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM guys literally JUMP into my car at a stoplight
we did not invite them or anything
they just got in, and then we dropped them off after we were THROUGHLY freaked out
they were 25 and from NY, i guess they dont know how we do it here in CALI

so then, i drop nina off
and go to zoeys, where as soon as i park i see some RANDOM ass guys chucking beer bottles over and INTO her house
im offically scared by now
so yeah, shitttttttt goes down
and i clean up zoeys house with kip and nicole and julie
and then i go home
and pass out in bed cause im exhausted.

but tonight should be good
its sternys 22nd birthday
so were celebratinggggg
fun funn

okay, thats the end of my story
COOL STORY HANSEL

"lets set our hearts at self destruct"

2005-04-28T04:28:34Z

so i realized today
that boys are probably the MOST confusing things ever
or maybe its just people in general
im told that im a "people person" - but i think i SCARE most people i meet
honestly.

i just wanted to take a side note and say thank you to all of the people
who have influenced my life
for good or for worse

it has taken me a while, aka until today
to realize that i have hurt people too
which comes as a shock to me
because, i never thought that anyone would care that much

im sorry to those [or one] of you who i have hurt

to the rest of you.. haha, im jk
i have no clue what else to say

listen to the academy is...
i love them
pretty much

<3
less than three biiiitches

WHOLLY SHIT DUDE

2005-04-26T04:20:01Z

its been forever
i miss my live journal
so im starting it up agian
im never good at keeping these things
but ill try

lets see: updates
im going to USC in the spring - majoring in business
ummm
single (duh)
and yeah
hahahah
i love nina and felicia.
oh so much
and i hate that prom is coming up
sweet for NOT having a date
wow im so flipping awesome

weight training - its awesome,
kinda
not really
charlie cracks me up
thats about it

umm
OH OH OH
i got a tattoo on friday
its an outline of a star
but shhh mommy and daddy dont know hahaha

um
thats it

except for that i love the boys from the house
and if you dont know what i mean
you dont know me at all
hahaha

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know

2004-11-29T07:04:17Z

shit its been a while.
ummm happy thanksgiving?

lets see, since nov 3rd...
coheed concert was awesome
claudio is my HERO!

umm im writing my UC application right now. i hate this shit. jesus.
umm. im going to be SO busy this week and then weekEND.
oh jesus. i hafta find a formal dress and an outfit for gwen stefani
oh wait. and a formal date. sweet.
yeahhh

alright, back to essays, enough procrastination!

Download this:
"Good to know if i ever need attention all ihave to do is die" - Brand new
"Lua" - Bright Eyes
"Forever" - As i lay dying

"Mercury Rising" - From Autumn to Ashes

"Every breath that I exhale is a sigh -
every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.

How sad - this is what your life has been reduced to -
a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been painted over.
The television screen is streaked with blood smeared from your knuckles
as you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its strength,
or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.

Startled by a knock at the door you rise for the first time in two days to answer,
but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement.
Hello my first name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again.
Hello my name is distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again.
Hello I really don't care if I never wake up again.
I really don't care if I never wake up again."

im drowning in my sleep

2004-11-04T05:43:50Z

so wiped from a combination of parents, school, life and tennis
CIFs this week. wohoo to us.
school bites. of course

so looking forward to the weekend. well saturday morning i have sats IIs... ugh. saturday afternoon, drug counselling,

SATURDAY NIGHT - COHEED CONCERT
honestly this concert is going to make my fucking month right there.
claudio is my freaking hero. you can make fun of his vocals all you want, but that band is so money.
chris and his friends are coming down.
lets hope nina is well enough to make it to this concert because i really want her to her "devil in jersy city" live. SUCH a good song.

on a side note - i think im losing my ping pong skills
its quite sad. i think i need to take a break. ah hell who am i kidding.
AND my shoulder kills. i think its from tennis. ice isnt helping. its "inflamed" apparently, says jason. but i can never really trust TJ. oh well

duty calls

devl_n_jrsy_cty @ 2004-11-01T19:25:00

2004-11-02T03:31:52Z

its been a hell of a long day, thats all i can say.
homework seems SO unappealing right now.

last night was... interesting. started out SO great. honestly, i had SO much fun girls. we were the HO police, throwing water balloons and silly stringing stupid 14 year olds in slut coustumes. although we got a group of guys in a truck who then stalked us, and even my mad driving skills almost didnt save us, but we pulled off the side of the road, parked and turned my lights off and they drove past us, luckily... haha. after dropping koree lynn and britta off we drove to carlsbad. lets just say that was a complete BUST. altough i have never seen so many people ask us if we were form the show Laguna Beach and have people tell us that they want to kill steven. .... yah. from then on out my night sucked. people didnt pick up their phones, or were just assholes in general. we made friends with the guys from living room. haha, very "sexual" as lizz would put it.

but it was dissappointing overall. people are just ... i duno, aka they suck sometimes. but i love my friends, thanks girls. that was hilarious. EXCEPT

EXCEPT
my car got egged by some hooligan. but i got him straight in the face with water.

halloween = interesting
and disappointing night

contemplation

2004-10-31T21:41:30Z

For those of you who actualy read this:

IF you could go back to ANY POINT in your life, where, when and why would you choose that.
and you would have recollection of what happened if you made the same choices as before.

me? i have no idea.
if making the mistakes ive made has made me the way i am, then ya id want to change. but if not making the same decisions would make me not have the same experiences, meet the same people, have the same friends? then im not sure.

you dont actually have to tell me what point in your life you would go back to, but just think about it...

"I have a friend, he’s mostly made of pain
He wakes up, drives to work and straight back home again
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover
And I tried to tell him that he had a sense
Of color and composition so magnificent
And he said thank you, please, but your flattery
It is truly not becoming me
Your eyes are poor, you’re blind, you see
No beauty ever could have come from me
I’m a waste
Of breath, of space, of time"
- Bright Eyes-

listen to From Autumn to Ashes

2004-10-31T07:24:36Z

does anyone else feel worse at night than during the day
i hate sitting at home, especially on a saturday night.
im fine when im with my friends and stuff, but its like when im alone i cant stand it. every now and again its good, i need some space. but i dunno
i have the FATA song "short stories with tragic endings" stuck in my head. so ill just entertain you with the lyrics instead of the details of my crap ass life...

"Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give

Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts you so much it's like choking choking

choking....

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.
I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss and no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your
lifeless hand.

Cry for you.
Shed tears. Mourn.
Wish the end.

Mourn wish the end

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down for the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know, the only reason, you are here now is,
a reminder of what I'll never have..
I'll never have.. I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in..
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down.. come down. I cherish you.. I cherish
you.
Just say that you would do the same for me..
just say you would do the same me..
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes."

...
goodnight those of you who actually read this

coastal league champs? thats what i thought

2004-10-29T07:18:15Z

ashley and i kicked butt today. thank god. beat those bitches from sfc.
stupid sluts honestly. bitterness. sorry.

going to be a long night
and its just begining
so yeah. talk to me on aim, please?

"Again i go unnoticed" - Dashboard Confessional
"lets go home" - Hot Rod Circuit
"konstantine" - SoCo

people suck. its determined.
certain people more than others.

sweet penance for the sound, it might explode in our hands

2004-10-27T05:33:18Z

people suck
and need to start making some sort of decisions here.
honestly
if you want something - go for it
otherwise just leave it alone.

"translasting the name" - saosin
"kill" - jimmy eat world
"short stories with tragic endings" - from autumn to ashes

"It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"

2004-10-27T03:19:03Z

good job today girls! varsity tennis kicks ass!! we won again today. sweet. thanks for all of you who came out to watch us.... which numbered at about 2. colin and dk. thanks guys! hahaha.
we play SFC on thursday, the only team weve lost to this year. and we wont repeat last time.

today was freaking LONG. coffman decided that he and i should have a LONNGGGG talk about how i think there is a double standard at bishops, and why i think that. jesus. honestly, can anyone say that you HONESTLY believe that a double standard doesnt exsist? grr. i was WAY late for apush, which i was okay with. im so behind in that class. could ruderman GIVE us more homework? no. but honestly.

no double standard? i think not. but how was i going to defend myself. ...grrr.

im thinking about the weekend. its halloween. stoked. im attempting to have a party, but so far its failing miserably. i want to get a hotel room, but no one is willing to put their name under it. and so i bet i just actually end up going trick-or-treating, like i NEED the extra candy. oh great.
were going to be pirates. arggg.... *cough* i think Marker is going to be our booty. hehehe. hes so cute. we have cute costumes, but the shirts rock.

my lower back kills. for no apparent reason.
im stressed bc im missing so much school, but whatever. im dealing.... not.
OH! and i owe my parents over 300 dollars because i was in debt to the bank 170 dollars and my mom covered for me, PLUS i already owed her over 150. so great. im SCREWED. baaasically.
so im thinking about SWAT, but since im so far in debt, my parents are thinking of a no. ... for right now. im going to convince dad this weekend, or attempt
fuckk
so much to do, so little timeee

STOKED for the coheed and cambria concert. sweeeeeet. november 6th. im ready.

Claudio Sanchez is my hero...

2004-10-25T21:31:38Z

Rocked silent in a soft lullaby
panic stirred me awakened by a ringing phone in time
Rocked silent in a soft lullaby
panic stirred me awakened by a ringing phone in time
(where and when would I see her?)
Crazy were the words that scribbled out your mouth
I stuttered replacing your face to those words
(where and when would I kill her?)
I'll wish on this, I'll wish with this
I, i'll wish...to the bitter end of my day,

well where were you?

So you had your turn and you made it work-
now I'm the laughing stock of your joke
as crazy as it may seem
I cried for you when you told me to date all of the things
that made you end up in my life
and I'll believe anything. I have no luck with girls

I overheard that you were unhappy too
misleading trust into a relationship that makes no sense
over and out Connecticut
but you had your back turned as you faded away
at the end of my day I found out
you weren't worth what I thought of you, what i thought of you

write this down in the diary you abuse
can we make plans can I just get through to you
is this weird...do I scare her?
I'll wish on this, I'll wish with this
I i'll wish...that you could share the love you'd shared with others, with me

so you had your turn and you made it work
now I'm the laughing stock of your joke
as crazy as it may seem I cried for you when you
told me to date all of the things that made you end up in my life
and I'll believe anything
I have no luck with girls
I overheard that you were unhappy too
misleading trust into a relationship that makes no sense
over and out Connecticut
but you had your back turned as you faded away
at the end of my day I found out
you weren't worth what I thought of you, what i thought of you
what i thought of you....ooohh

this isn't love so forever let it go...forever will it burn
this isn't love there on the backend of forever I wish I would
never hurt again

I wish I would never hurt again
I wish I would never hurt again...

-coheed and cambria
november 6th - im so stoked to see them in concert...

unity? thats what i thought

2004-10-22T02:22:35Z

bunch of bullshit. thats all i have to say.
fuck fuck fuck.
people are so STUCK in their ways sometimes.

im so sorry to all of the guys we dragged into that horrid lunch today. that was complete bullshit and a WASTE of time. so lets all go sit in a room and scream at each other. how about not.
stubborn people suck.
im sorry. you know that i love you, but sometimes you just need to let GO.

pissed. my day was a shitwhole all in itself.
fuck you you fucking fuck.

this poisions my intoxication

2004-10-19T00:30:30Z

the used/ atreyu concert...was awesome. SO GOOD. one of the better concerts ive been to.
sucked that nina couldnt go tho. MISSED YOU!!! on a lighter note it was trevors first concert and if anyone could SEE his face when we got in there to listen to saosin, it was pure joy. it was awesome. saosin rocked. then head automatica played. then atreyu. crowd surfed. i kinda feel violated after that, but thats okay... haha. so the used came on, and i held off on crowd surfing and just went up front with sean and like, at the end i decide to crowd surf. BAD idea. so i get pushed up, go two people ahead, and just LAND flat on my back on the ground. its SO painful. so i get up and nick is laughing at me, so we try it again. i get like 4 people ahead, and drop to the ground. third time. by this time its shady. so im going, going, and i land on sean. yahhh it wasnt such a good crowd surfing experience. but good thing im small so i can push thru people.
my shirt was SO disgusting afterwards. ew.

and today was just a horrible day. for no reason.
just some days suck more than others.
eh. homework. so bummed...

as you watch me fall like new york in an earthquake

2004-10-09T00:59:01Z

so last night. sucked.
i got bailed on by WAY to many people to mention
but marcy came to my rescue. thank GOD for loyal friends...

my night consisted of NEARLy losing. but DIDNT in tennis, driving home to get showered for the concert i THOUGHT i was going to see, but didnt becuase it was sold out and at THAT point i had no one to go with. THEN i realized what a CRAP ass night i was having. honestly. people need to deal with some shit. i think i do also. i need to realize that people...suck. and you can only depend on the very few people in your life.

i saw the forgotten last night with marcy and cyrus and kendall. it was a freaky movie.
i like totally jumped on cyrus at one point because it was creeeeepy.
then somehow i managed to get a handle. so i have a handle of smirnoff sitting in my trunk
do we KNOW how much better that made my night?
thanks marcy - for driving out and ... letting me... deal with my shit? umm. "marcy - just stay in the car. ill be back in a few minutes. hahah"

otherwise than that i have the sat tomorow. at SD highschool SUCKS.
AND ive realized that people annoy the FUCK outa me.

so tired

2004-10-05T06:21:57Z

on the phone right now with cyrus as hes trying to set up an aim account
lalalala
so im SO tired.

brb

failure by design

2004-09-30T05:15:23Z

ive been thinking a lot lately about how my life would be different.
if i had done this, if this had gone this way instead of the way it turned out.
if you had to pick ONE point in your life to go back to and redo - start over from there. WHERE would i go back to? you would have the knowledge of your mistakes and how not to make them. would i not meet someone? would i change the event of one night - thus altering my entire life pattern. would i start over from middle school and try better in school? what if... exactly. what IF - means unless someone creates some sort of time travel we wont know.
its crazy huh? well at least for me to think about it is because there is so much about my life that i would have liked to change.
ive been looking at my past. who changed my life? why they had such an impact?
its crazy to think of all the people that have shaped you to become who you are today.

i dunno. i know of certain things that i would change, one in particular (fifi/nina - "die you bitch" - i THINK we know...) but if i changed that ONE particular instance, that ONE decision, would i be where i am today. would i have experienced it with someone else? last year i thought a LOT about my past. a lot. and i wanted to change it. i wanted to end it. so far its been better tho. i have two of the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. i dont know where i would be without them right now, their constant support and love, the fact that they understand me - they let me be me, and they make me SO happy.

so .... thanks. to everyone who has had an effect on my life. you who have done so much - in all spectrums....
you made me smile. you made my cry. you helped me get into trouble. you make me laugh. you make me wanna drive all night long for nothing. you believe in me. you think youre better than i am. you made me love. you made me forget. you make me want to help. you make me want to change. you showed me what i hate in people. you make me feel so at home its undescribable. you are the one i can and never will hate. you are the one i just dont get. you left me. you made me hurt. you help me live. you broke my heart. you are my source of entertainment. you showed me music. you showed me life.

my life has been a culmination of events. leading up to where i am today.
mistakes and turning points with the constant sound of music in the background
music...live for it. die for it. feel it.

"But you, you know, you were my favorite.

Would I walk through the door, shedding the light of all life?
With the rise and reform, would I come as before?
Pray you're not the only one

If given mistakes, would I take them back?
If erasing them could, if erasing them would.
But would they be the words that I would say?
Your face and a door between.
I've parted three ways,
For you, the Newo that I love.

Dear Ambellina, the Prise wishes you to watch over me.
Dear Ambellina, the Prise wishes all to watch over me.
I fought the decisions that call and lost.
My mark has the revelant piece in this.
I will come reformed.
In short, for the murders of those I court,
I bless the hour that holds your fall.
I will kill you all!!"
COHEED AND CAMBRIA

ill be just fine pretending im not

2004-09-29T05:19:41Z

i bought OFFICALLY, from wherehouse, the USED'S NEW CD

"IN LOVE AND DEATH"
- its so good, i cant get over it. and im even more stoked bc i have tickets for their concert with atreyu.
im determined to meet them, or at least get close. im going to sit outside soma and WAIT for them. even if i hafta do it alone.... haha.

but im SO slacking in school its not even funny. i think im getting an academic warning in english, prolly bc i havent turned in 2 outta the 4 essays weve done...great.
and i got a 61% on my math quiz. im a genius. i KNOW.

we won our tennis match today. again. undefeated. still.
but no one comes and watches us. so its great
thursday. match against parker. at home. ill ask you to come - but you wont
so its fine

but im off to bed. it got a higher ranking than doing hw....
*lates*

"why do i beg like a child for your candy?"

2004-09-28T06:15:56Z

im so tired. but i have apush to do. godamit ruderman.

*side note*
im SO confused by people right now.
just make up your mind on what you want and go for it.

sometimes what you want is just outta reach.....

Downloads:
"A Rememberance Ballad" - Atreyu
"All That Ive Got" - The Used
"If Winter Ends" - Bright Eyes
"The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You" - MCR
"neverender" - coheed and cambria

download em. good songs....

knock me out and let me go back to sleep....

2004-09-28T02:12:45Z

so i love that people read this and dont talk to me... (aka trevor and chris... ha HA) thanks guys. nah but seriously here.

we have a tennis match tomorow. and we never have fans. except for the random few. PLEASE come tomorow. i mean just stop by around 3ish and root the girls on. were undefeated which is pretty damn good! then you can walk over to the guys water polo game vs nado. tough matches. PLEASE COME!!!!

but besides that. i cant really write right now bc i have a shitload to do tonight.
but il prolly procrasinate later and write about why im p-o-ed right now
i think most of you know. but GRR.

lates

i still see you lying next to me....

2004-09-26T23:12:49Z

i just got the used new album! it doesnt hit stores until tuesday but i got it from the used nation... not like the ACTUAL cd... but like all of the songs. nvm

BUT ITS SUCH A GOOD CD.

this makes me happy. its a first considering my day has sucked so far.

oh - i was on tv today. anyone see it? prolly not....

"I can't get a worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind

Where feelings mean nothing

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away, for today is on my mind"
-the used-
"Yesterdays Feelings"

...

WEAK SAUCE

2004-09-26T05:58:24Z

tonight....sucked.
except for going over to ninas bc that was fun.
congrats to our tennis team who cant do SHIT as a team. granted i give SOME people excues - ashley and gibbs, but for the rest of you. WEAK. WAY weak. im sorry but that really wasnt cool. i think you know who you are.

and im offically pissed. im glad that im not the only one who feels this way - THANK you AR. it just PISSES me off. you dont DO that to your friends. and ... uh i cant even talk about it. i think u know what i mean.

*ON A LIGHTER NOTE* im going to be on TV tomorow!!! if anyone wants to check it out, im not sure what time but Helen Woodward Animal Center is hosting a telethon tomorow on KUSI. ( i think channel nine) its where i worked ALL this summer and im going to be calling people and shitt all tomorow. its at the kpbs? site - at SDSU. so ill be out there if anyone feels like bringing me starbucks or something! haha / nah but SERIOUSLY here... www.animalcenter.org check it out.

but my night was made when i saw carl at the movie theaters and i like attacked him. and when i hugged him he kinda pushed me away and was like "amy, come on, not in front of the gf..." the team had a good laugh at that one... yeah. CARL you crack me upp

so yeah. KUSI tomorow. check it out. ch-ch-ch check it out.
(sorry im a loser)